Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Moments of Pining (archived)

Who says I'm lonely.. My soliloquies have kept me company.
Right now I'm riding the high horse that comes with the return of Koupm; that is, the play of imagination, or my construed reality. As it happens, 
Primera Amor returns, and I aggressively surprise her and restore my version of sanity. Nothing better on this ride back to Delhi than think of acche din, which don't seem around outside this imagination - Modi Sarkar and apni Sarkar both have disappointed of late. The cute couple to my right sleeping in a dogpile with limbs stretching in all directions, puts reality into perspective, so maybe the imagination isn't that distant - of settling back into mush.

In retrospect, I still do think a lot into us. It was fvckd that it fell apart, and even more fvckd that I have certitude through our recordings that it wasn't meant to. Just this afternoon as I started on work trail, I stumbled into a recent clip of my molting after two weeks under the sun, and her pleasure at stripping my skin away, and enjoyed it to the extent of forgetting our offences and having a laugh. One day a few tears might follow.

Still hard to digest that "We just can't be with each other" would end up our reality. Our reality is different, and undermined in all ways by erstwhile GF. As I shared with Pa that falling back to the past all I see is our streak of crazy whole she sees ruin. Well, it takes compatible crazies to make a perfect ruin, too. She better understand or wait another lifetime.

//20150618, enroute Delhi

Personal thoughts on breakups

Well put, these two gentleman. The emotion and play of love/relationships is a constant in the 4 dimensions.

For our entire relationship, I was absolutely and irrevocably miserable. I can see now that you used me purely as a means to an end. Don’t you know how that makes me feel? It is imperative that you reflect on the meaning of universal law, and stop doing that thing you did with your tongue. I hated that.—Immanuel Kant

What are we even doing anymore? With every passing day, you grow more isolated from your labor. We have not made love in over a month, even after I was cured of that rash, and was so certain that we would celebrate appropriately. I demand justice from this bourgeois hand-job hell they call “relationships.”—Karl Marx

Sunday, June 28, 2015

feeling superstitious today?

Ah,well explained by BF Skinner.
This is EXACTLY how superstitions develop. An irregular (or downright rare) stream of rewards that reinforce that causality is associated to some unrelated process, which becomes the superstition
The pigeons have made a causal connection of their actions at the time of receiving the reward, with the reward. So the pigeon walking in circles was doing that when it found the food. Skinner proposed that this accidental reinforcement of a response can lead to superstitious behavior. As long as the rewards come regularly enough, the superstitious behavior will develop. The connection between when they do the behavior and get the reward will outweigh the connection when they do the behavior and don’t get any reward. This he proposed, is also the reason why we humans develop superstitions.

Sunday, June 07, 2015


Yesterday's ghoom was a reflection of the state of affairs on my end. A dominating stillness, that didn't go away - that is what my past 3 days have been like. No work done, little on the exploratory  front, little on the Ido or Kru front.

Moving beyong tiny low-scatter personal front: the jungles, the HHG. It was surprising to sense the holistic stillness of the jungle. Not a single bird, animal, or insect stirred, even the wind failed to produce "the wave" in the grass and trees. Me and baby bro clamored up and down slopes, and sensed nothing but the stationery. Then we rolled some Katrina and hiked onwards with the added swag. The high of our journey was reached when we joined the old canal cutting through HHG. Thereon, a traverse, then a traverse back, and a hike down, to join the road, to homebase.

The traverse along the channel took us amidst thick vegetation, and is the "easy" gateway to touch the main ravine. Alas, since it crashes into a chasm shortly thereafter, so it's only a gateway and not a complete walkthrough - one needs to climb up through dense growth to skirt through the broken section, which gets messy. We didn't feel like the latter, maybe because there was anything to scratch our imaginations tonight, hence made it the point of our return.

The only living thing we ran into were a couple of small things - the first one possibly a toxic caterpillar that clung onto my tee and left me with tiny hair that caused a rash on the dorsal side of my neck. It still stings a bit. The second, a spider, in full spread - by that I meant a large symmetric web, right in the middle of our trail. It took us a moment to figure out how to get past it. I was suggesting that we crawl through the channel, much like trench warfare. Then baby bro took a closer look and found that only a single low-lying silken strand connected to the right (the hillside was to our left); we carefully (and successfully) went around the web both the times. Note, that a given weight of spider silk is five times as strong as the same weight of steel. It was quite evident seeing how the single strand supported the magnificent web.

Well, nature, if not myself or my crashing relationship, to write loads about.

Saturday, June 06, 2015

ghoom for porcie

This is Major Tom to Ground ControlI'm stepping through the doorAnd I'm floating in a most the peculiar wayAnd the stars look very different today

The stars ended up looking very different today, indeed. The moon was there too, right under the eye. And there was a fleety-floating moment, too. It all started with me and baby bro stepping through the door.

Me and S went out on a nightly ghoom. Since being floored running into the Hystrix Indica (or Indian Crested Porcupine), I have revisited the place in anticipation of catching another glimpse of the wonderful pair that I came across on my last visit ~20th.

We ambled up till Ak. S was busy with his camerawork. Having OTL in crazy mode has pushed her into weaning me away from the (only?) two things I've loved in the two years - her and the cameras; ah, damn the life I live. Night in the Indian forests, however, is engaging, so I didn't mind not having a camera. Beyond Aluk, we merged into the forests downhill.

We had radios (MR350s) on us, and split as we went down. I took a trail higher up, and S about 40m lower. Being split meant we can do a sweep more effectively. Good decision to get the radios, but a bad one forgetting a pair of torches (only got one).  The radio helped cover some embarrassment, its built-in lamp coming to the rescue to whoever didn't carry the torch.

10 minutes in, and S spots a pair of eyes. There's a small ravine connecting him to me, so I had to skirt around it as S asked me to wind my way back. There, about 40m down yet another sharp ravine, were a pair of yellow-orange eyes, looking back, as if trying to figure out these intruders. It seemed a civet to me, by the range of its head motions, its size, and its tapetum lucidum - that layer which reflects a distinct hue for each animal. S and I decided to split again, me coming at the creature from South and S from West. We got close, but the creature ultimately got alarmed and bounded away.

We went down deeper, but got nothing else, though we did hear a coupla things breaking, to perplex us, as much as it did to the origin of those sounds. After having done enough for the evening, we took a short break. Then back up, onto the road, then home. Once out on the road, I didn't stop my elevation gain, and climbed all the way to the ridge crest. The night sky was a complete picture today, thanks to no clouds.