Air travel in India is much better than earlier, thanks to some ass-whipping by the Aviation Authority that has kept a check on the carriers’ fly-at-own-whim attitude. I, personally, have traveled little, but that included the flight from hell where our plane was left standing on the runway, with no A/C, for a couple of hours; people – people in suits, people of the cool, people with children, old people - were sweating, choking for breath, cussing, splitting their rectal seams, summoning the hostesses who blamed it all on “a technical fault,” as if technology runs in parallel and independent of what these folks do; by end of the day, I found myself stranded at the Delhi airport at midnight, having to cough up uncomfortable amounts of currency to get to my destination, as well as bother my hosts from sleep at an odd time.
Lately I’ve only heard of minor delays – that too, rarely, and in third person. I’ve shuttled between Del-Mum-Lko each of the months, and thankfully, never found myself a victim to those delays. However, I do miss the old days of delays; I now hold a glorious hat-trick of missing flights, all of them flying “On Time” – that sucks.
So, with the worse-r days over, people would think that nothing could beat air travel. It, indeed, sounds awesome when it takes a couple of hours Del-Mum, or under an hour for Del-Lko. But without an addition of ‘reality’ to the equation, the concept seems like an abstract notion - like love, or peace, or success. There’s a string of unacknowledged dedications that stretch the timeline – adding multipliers to that modest hour of travel that they promise, multipliers in whose realization you might drop a fucken load right here and now.
First, consider your FLIGHT DURATION. The figure itself is based on perfect-road-conditions or something similar that those 1000kmpl bike companies push on you. Have you ever really been on a flight – between boarding the flight to stepping out – in that promised time? Well, no, because as you note the minutes tick by, Punctual Penelope wrenching in pain, the hostesses are busy sashaying up and down the aisle, transporting one (and no more) insignificant article at a time, occasionally taking a pit stop next to your seat, fiddling with your bags in the overhead compartment to make you feel rather clumsy in the first place. Then comes the 15-minute technology demo and a tour of the entire airport as the plane loiters about the runways, stopping dead every time you feel going airborne. So, effectively,
Actual (optimistic) flight duration, D = Abstract duration + 30 minutes
Then comes the fact of check-in time. Worst case, they say, is 45 minutes prior to the departure of the flight. They generally advise one to be at the airport a couple of hours in advance, just-in-case. True bastards like me like to cut it in the nick of time, preferably six seconds before the check-in ends. However, the more cautious/assuredly-clumsy crowd takes the suggested check-in time of 2 hours seriously. On the days of his air travel, I am likely to find my Pa at the airport right from daybreak… and that’s only domestic that we are considering here. So, averaging between the risk-takers and the cautious,
Unacknowledged (optimistic) check-in time, U(c) = 1.5 hours
Of course, airports aren’t as accessible as train or bus stations. They are generally situated outside the city limits. They are generally a considerable distance off your crowded NH or any arterial road. Few cities – I can only bring Delhi to mind - have public transport that drops you right at the Departure gates, hence, you need not only arrange for private transport, but also to set out at least an hour in advance from your target time, which is already a couple of hours from your flight time. You call up your Sardarji Taxi-wallah, or a radio cab, and nonchalantly commit a cool 600 bucks to the airport; sit wishing you don’t encounter much traffic en-route; then call up again to reschedule it 15 minutes earlier, keeping the traffic in mind. So,
Unacknowledged (optimistic) travel time, both ways, U(t) = 1.25 x 2 = 2.5 hours
There is some more of the in-between time, which you could claim as the most stupid hour of your life: the A/C bus, and the conveyer belt. Everybody hates that goddamn A/C bus which parades around the airport, takes a U-turn, and stops next to your plane, which couldn’t have been more than 40 yards from where you hopped on at the boarding gates. It does the same when you reach your destination, other way round. And somehow your luggage never shows up first on the conveyer belt at the destination – there always HAS to be a wait, as you see the others joyously loading their trolleys and rolling into oblivion.
Unacknowledged stupid time U(s) = 1 hour
Nett flight time
= D + U(c) + U(t) + U(s)
= Abstract duration + 0.5 + 1.5 + 2.5 + 1
= Abstract duration + 5.5 hours
Hence, if one is traveling to Del-Mum, a flight would be more like 7.5hrs compared to 16hrs Rajdhani takes, a gain of mere 9 hours. Let’s not even get talking about how the Rajdhani folks assault you with food and sinful servility every 2 hours until you barf at Mathura or Vadodara or Surat, as compared to how even asking for a glass of water is perceived as discourteous on your low cost carrier. And then the futility of comparing a train’s sleeper berth against the efficiently packed lattice of seats on the flight.
It becomes worse when one pits [1+5.5 = ] 6.5hrs of Del-Lko flight time against 8hrs that Lucknow Mail Sup. Spl. takes. One could commit suicide when the complete realization dawns upon them.
So, Trains FTW, even in disregard of other unaesthetic, uncomfortable, unsafe, unmemorable, eco-unfriendly aspects of air travel.
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