Thursday, September 29, 2011

keep waking me up

Coerced my eager-to-be-out-and-about self back into sleep at the 0515 alarm. I was entangled in some dream again, but now this 'Venus in Furs' track has conditioned a sure-shot wake-up response in me, as I fumble about in a dazed state, often in a more-aware-than-expected fashion, since locating my cellphone is often difficult. Body clock is screwed - either my body feels humbled at any period of rest extending 4 hours, or has some 3AM circadian trigger which has me often find myself awake around this time. [leaving the environmental factors - mosquitoes that come uninvited, or an overzealous temperature setting on the Air Conditioner, or the neighbor's guitar&keyboard sessions - aside].
So in effect, I wake up to 4 alarms -
  • 2 artificial ones at 0500, 0910;
  • 2 inbuilt (body factory settings) around 0300, 1035.
Maybe my mind has become so scared of drifting away from the physical dimension that it routinely knocks to check if things are right.

Those days when it takes the last of these alarms - the 1035 one - to wake me up are usually the ones where I make it to the office disproportionately late - just like today. It seems a psychological corollary from the Hindi proverb 'अब पछताय क्या होत, जब चिड़िया चुग गयी खेत', in that things couldn't possible get/feel any worse. This state of 'unfeeling' or 'down-so-low' usually occurs in a 3-day cycle, the other times I'm feeling either ignorantly awesome, or involved in sad social circles, or engrossed in reasonable plans of killing myself.
<digress>The more delegated the kill, the better. Being run down by a Santro counts as the ultimate embarrassment to death, being shredded apart by helicopter fan-blades while being chased by a Velociraptor would be जन्नत |</digress>

I'm having a delayed start to my today:


This is generally how my mind wanders off while reading.
Firstly,
because <book>∞ J</book> feels a drag, an overelaborate text that always finds me in an unprepared frame where I'm seen skimming through a lot of architectural, behavioral, chronological details. I reread them, of course, as my masochist nature be. As a result, I'm on Pg52 by my 7th read. Sucks.

Secondly,
is the question on futures (note the plural) I could-be/should-be leading. The former (could-be) is obviously an infinite set. The latter (should-be) only brings a few faces in mind and tries to see in which respect I could best be close and supportive. Should-be-s are a knock on security devices, risk analyses, contingency planning, life insurance, property insurance,"'i need a lawyer i didn't hit my wife" foresight, all that, ugh. Should-be-s are generally the most straightforward, devoid of lengthy cohesive thought, options just floating about when you are crawling out from your cave after an year or two of high; its like scraping and eating the bark from a tree because that is the first thing you see, when one can only do a little effort to reach for the fruit. I see everyone around chewing on this metaphorical bark, I wonder who climbs for that fruit.
[Note to self: Outside metaphors, must learn to climb trees in the real world. Especially Pines and Sal.]

Thirdly,
I was pinned to my bed soon after waking into giving thought to MY mythology. People I know that I will want to remember forever, and keep close. Ones that hold an eternal dimension. I could weave them into legends, ones who might later feature as deities. A convoluted concept, I know, that is hard to explain, to put into words, and even harder to be upfront about.
OTOH I should be concerned about those I see as transitory. Where is the love?
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